Buckshot
December 20, 2007 – 12:10 pm
I wrote a back in August a very specific blog about my wedding and being the occasional vindictive writer, I carefully chose my words for the desired impact on a particular group of people who I knew would be reading it. My point in doing so was for them to realize a.) what they missed out on b.) what a wonderful time we had without them. Seeing as how I am no longer speaking with the people that was aimed at, I am not sure it had the desired affect, but I am going to go out on a limb and assume it did. Yeah, it makes me feel better.
But a week or so after writing it, I came to find out that a friend who had nothing to do with that particular group in my aim, was troubled by what I had written. Not specifically the same part of the blog, but she was bothered nonetheless. Her best friend had read the blog and sent it to her, asking if she thought I was jabbing at her. I wasn’t. It hadn’t even entered my realm of thinking these friends would read into that as they did. It still annoys me that I unintentionally hurt someone with something that I wrote, but I can’t take it back.
A similar situation arose more recently (this week) where I used one very small but very important word to appease certain friends and hurt other friends in the process. I am trying to process the feelings this has arisen in me, simply from my hurt friends pointing this out. It brings me to a place where I feel small and pointless and undeserving. I feel like a four year old, crawling until the kitchen table, sobbing as I announce "I don’t deserve my friends." because, really, I don’t. As graceful and thoughtful and conscientious as I try to be about the people in my life, I still manage to muck things up and feel as competent as a pregnant Spears sister.
I occasionally wonder if I shouldn’t blog as much, or about such relevant things. I could just fill my blog with quizzes and surveys and keep things kosher. But there is more to life than filling out the same questions asked 18 different ways. I did stop blogging for about nine months a few years ago, because the guy I was seeing at the time didn’t understand the point or need for it and what I was doing in and with my life at the time was not all that appropriate for public viewing. And to be honest, I really missed it. It is such a great way to chronical your life and where you were and how you were feeling at a certain point in time. My first fewer years of blogging were lost when Scribble.nu crashed and there were some really important moments there that I won’t get back.
I just hate that I can hurt my friends without knowing it or meaning it. I worry about boundries and appearances - if I comment too much, will she find me annoying? Should that be left as an email or a comment? Is it TMI for their page? Should I befriend this friend of her’s? Will she think I am just a friend whore? I know people out there who seem to be only on here to build their popularity.
I never realized that life needed so many disclaimers.
